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it was murder
I had a rather unpleasant dream the other night that made me realize that perhaps I need to turn the television off every now and then. Thanks to the oversaturation of Harry Potter and Burlesque commercials currently airing I dreamed that Cher and Voldemort had teamed up to kill me for whatever reason. I don't remember specifics, just that it was definitely Cher and Voldemort coming after me. I do remember a distinct lack of Christina Aguilera, which I'm sure was my subconscious' intent. I just could not care less about her.

While I had no intention of seeing Burlesque to begin with, I'm definitely not seeing it now after Cher's imaginary murderous turn. I expect that sort of thing from Voldemort, but Cher? No, no, it's just not right.
14th-Nov-2010 12:56 am - My cat's breath smells like cat food.
protocol droid
I just realized I haven't posted a picture of one of my cats (or anything) to LiveJournal in awhile, so here you go:

My cat's name is mittens.Collapse )
tds street team
Gawker’s Richard Lawson is probably my favourite writer on the internet at the moment (his American Idol recaps were works of art and I didn’t even watch the show). This particular article, about Richard’s need to get angry by deliberately seeking out content that disagrees with his personal beliefs, resonated with me because that is what I spend most of my day doing. I don’t know why I subject myself to things that just make me mad because, as the article highlights, there’s no explicit reason for it. I can’t do anything about these things but fume on the internet and it’s definitely far from cathartic. It always ends with me being, well, angry. But, like Richard says, I guess I like being angry (in a righteously indignant sort of way). The site’s commenters provided a ton of great rage-ammunition in the comments and I thought I’d share some of my own personal favourites here:

  • The Edmonton Journal Venting column: People write in and just complain about things; it’s essentially the old-people version of Twitter. Most of the complaints are about public spending and follow the same general pattern: “Why is the city spending money on _______ when they should be fixing the potholes?” Always with the potholes. It has also expanded into Sports Venting (The Oilers/Eskimos suck! [Generic, feeble old person] could play better than them!) and A&E Venting (I’m old and Lady Gaga scares/confuses me!). Hours of rage-inducing fun!
  • Sarah Palin’s Twitter: Never mind the fact that she’s insane and reactionary, her disregard for the English language is mind-numbingly infuriating.
  • Women’s magazines: There’s no specific magazine that really stokes my rage; whatever happens to be lying around during my lunch break usually does the trick. They all have unique anger-flavours: Cosmopolitan and it’s egregious generalizations about relationships; Vogue and it’s complete detachment from the middle class*; InStyle and it’s pages and pages of ads for shit nobody needs, half of which is disguised as editorial content. And don’t even get me started on the tabloids (because I probably won’t ever stop). Also, they just remind me of how much I miss Jane Magazine (the old Jane website now only links to Glamour’s site, adding insult to injury).
  • My job: No, I can’t get you to Las Vegas for $200. Air Canada pulled its direct flights from Edmonton to Vegas and now Westjet is the only airline that flies there from here and as a result their planes are always fucking full, so no, there really is no such thing as a last minute package to Vegas anymore. You want to leave for Saudi Arabia in two days and you want to pay less than $1500? And you’re not joking? Well, I apologize for laughing in your face, then. Sure, you go ahead and drive to Hawaii. I’m definitely not going to try and stop you. Sigh.
  • The “Get to Know the Contestants” segment of Jeopardy: Oh, the banality!

*I understand that Vogue’s bread and butter is handbags that cost more than my car and the like, but some of the articles are just too out of touch. Plum Sykes (the Worst Person on Earth) wrote an article lamenting the fact she didn’t get her first pair of Louboutin patent platform pumps until 2007. Her excuse? Big feet. “The fact is, girls with big feet just can’t be toying carelessly with trends like those blessed with dainty 37s.” Hey, my feet are size 37! You’ve opened my eyes, Plum! I’m so fucking blessed to have small feet and I should have dropped $900 on shoes years ago. Paycheques be damned, my feet look good in overpriced shoes so I should buy every pair I come across. I’ve been a grade A moron and my shoe collection is just evidence of that.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to throw something off my balcony.
flipping the bird - bret
I think I'm going back to school in September to get into public relations. Nothing sounds more fun than writing press releases about 65 guinea pigs dying from eating poisoned oranges. Rejoice, for I have found my true calling in life!

But seriously, I'm totally going back to school in September to take a public relations course. I need to start making adult money at some point in my life.
join us
That's right, I'm updating from work because I don't yet have internet installed in my new place. I moved in on Saturday and unpacked everything yesterday. Today was supposed to be my day to call the cable company and get everything set up but, as luck would have it, my manager is stuck under a cloud of volcanic ash in London so I'm covering for her on my day off. That's OK, however, because I should have a five-day weekend at some point as a result.

Anyways, the main reason for this entry is just brag about how I met LaBamba. Oh, and saw Conan perform or whatever...

Saxamaphone.Collapse )
join us
Kim Jong-Il claims to be an internation fashion icon.

I don’t think it’s possible to write about Kim Jong-Il and not sound sarcastic while doing it: “Rainbows supposedly appeared over sacred Mount Paekdu where Kim Jong-Il was allegedly born, and he is said once to have scored 11 holes-in-one in a single round of golf.” (Emphasis mine)
barack oboner
Thanks to things like Twitter and Tumblr I almost forgot Livejournal existed. The internet, she is very fickle, no? Well, I'm back. For now. I know I've pulled this kind of thing before and I'll probably do it again, but I'm here at the moment. And that's something, right?

On to the important stuff: I'm officially a homeowner. Yes, I own land (19 stories above the ground) and I can vote as soon as I grow a penis or something. OK, maybe that's not the case anymore but I'm halfway there if it is. It's a 730 sq ft one bedroom condo downtown, within walking distance of both of my jobs so I'm pretty happy. I'm not there yet, I take possession on April 15th, but I'm so close I can taste the freedom (and subsequent crushing debt, but I'll worry about that later). I can actually see the building from where I'm sitting right now; I'm pretty stoked. Of course I've already planned renovations for the kitchen that I can't afford; I mean, white ceramic floor tiles and a forest green backsplash? What was the previous owner smoking?! And the dishwasher is black while all the other appliances are white which is basically my worst nightmare come true (not really). But, as luck would have it, I'm kind of on the not-rich side of the economic spectrum so I'm going to have to suck it up for awhile. I guess I should be looking at the big picture stuff, like having a place to live or whatever (but I'm tearing up that floor the first chance I get).

Important thing #2: CONAN IS HERE IN TWO WEEKS! Why he chose Edmonton as a stop on his tour I'll never know but I am forever indebted to that tall, gangly, ginger weirdo. My sister called me three hours after the tickets went on sale and they were already two-thirds sold out by that point. I bought my tickets and the entire show was sold out two hours after that. I'm pretty sure that was the same story for every other stop on the tour. Did anyone else get tickets? Are you as ridiculously excited as I am? I'm anticipating not being able to sleep for the next year or so, I'm that excited. It won't not be amazing.

Important thing #3: Easter brunch tomorrow. I am looking forward to a literal sausage fest and am planning accordingly by not eating anything 16 hours beforehand. It's going to be epic. That is all.
lend me a jar of love
It seems that the announcement that Conan is indeed leaving The Tonight Show and NBC all together is imminent, so I just have one more thought to add about this whole shitfest. Maybe. I can't promise it will indeed be my last thought. Going back on your word seems to be all the rage these days (Hi-yo!).

Anyways.

I know hosting The Tonight Show has been a dream of Conan's for a long time as he has stated such several times in the press. I was exceedingly happy for him when it was first announced he would be taking it over from Leno way back in 2004 and my little, comedy-loving heart swelled up with pride watching his debut on the show back in June. But all of my emotional reactions were directly in response to Conan's emotional reactions. As long as he was happy, I was happy. I frankly couldn't care less about The Tonight Show itself. Where as Conan's generation grew up with Johnny Carson's Tonight Show, my generation grew up with Leno's Tonight Show. As you can imagine, it's been hard for me to reconcile the respect paid to the show with Leno's hacky, lazy, so-called "comedy." Making fun of dumb, unsuspecting bystanders and reading some newspaper clippings your elderly viewers sent in does not a comedy show make. Having never seen Carson in action, I've never understood why anyone gave a shit about The Tonight Show. For the past seventeen years it has been the epitome of Lowest Common Denominator thanks to Leno and his merry band of idiots (I'm looking at you, Eubanks!).

Maybe Conan could have been the one to pull the show out of the dumps and return it to its former glory, we'll never know. I have no emotional investment in The Tonight Show at all, so I'm not terribly upset that we'll never find out. All I want is for Conan to get his ass back on television as soon as possible and I think that's a sentiment shared by many people my age. Conan can be funny anywhere, he doesn't need The Tonight Show for that. I say let Jay have it back so he can siphon off the last remaining drops of blood from the franchise and then bury him with it. Clearly he's determined to drag it, kicking and screaming, to a tragic, painful end, so why get in his way?
worthy of webster's
I held a grudge against Jimmy Kimmel for a very long time because of The Man Show. It was sophmoric and sexist and every other derogatory term I can think of. And I hated Adam Corolla's voice (but I guess I can't hold that against Kimmel). Then a couple of years ago I accidentally (or something) watched an episode or two of Jimmy Kimmel Live and I was surprised to find I didn’t hate him. I liked his delivery style and the actual material was nothing to sneeze at either. I’d watch the show if I came across it and there was nothing else on, but that’s where I thought it would stay.

After tonight, however, I am proud to say that I love Jimmy Kimmel. He is truly a wonderful man.
rooty tooty fresh and fruity
Christmas was a good one this year. My cousin, Dayna, and her fiance, Billy (who is 40 years old and still calls himself Billy. Really nice guy, however!) held it at their acreage in Spruce Grove. It was both our family and Billy's family, and for the first time since I was a kid there were children at Christmas dinner. They kept to themselves and the Nintendo Wii downstairs, so it wasn't as awful as it could have been. They came upstairs to sing Christmas carols like a bunch of screaming banshees at one point, but that was the worst of it.

After years of spending Christmas day with my mom's side of the family, I became accustomed to the presence of certain traditions and the lack of others. So when Billy's mom insisted on saying grace before dinner, we were all a little flabbergasted at first. Then we were red in the face from trying not to laugh out loud during the proceedings. Afterward, my Aunt Dawna informed everyone she's pretending to be Catholic so she can work for the local Catholic school board. We're all going to hell.

For dessert, I made the bitchingest chocolate cheesecake you can imagine. It had an Oreo crumb crust and the best fucking chocolate ganache I've ever, EVER, made because I decided to splurge on actual baker's chocolate squares and not chocolate chips like I normally do. There were also no cracks in the cake itself; it was a work of art, like something out of the issue of Martha Stewart Living that I got the recipe from. So yes, I was a little disheartened when all of Billy's family ignored it and instead went straight for the store bought lemon meringue pies that they brought which they proceeded to smother in Cool Whip from a can! An aerosol can! I almost died! Of course, my family demolished the cheesecake and they were thoroughly appreciative of my hard work and culinary prowess. Whatever, you yokels can keep your whipped cream in a can! That just means more cheesecake for us, losers!

Finally, can someone tell me what Ambrosia is and why something that is clearly made with marshmallows is served at dinner?

(Finally, Finally: I just remembered I signed up for that last.fm dealie, so um, friend me or something? I'm still not entirely sure how it works.)
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